Life Change.....

Today...one year ago...literally, on this very day, my wonderful husband underwent a 10 hour surgery to clean a slow growing mucinous cancer out of his ENTIRE abdomen, that had been growing for years.

It was likely one of THE longest days in my life. I can not think of anything that mirrors the emotions I was feeling that day and for the weeks that followed.

Don't know the story, you can start reading it here.

It is funny how life changes every moment. Life is a moving part, fluid, constant change. Before we found out James had cancer, our life was pretty good. Kind of normal. But on March 8th, 2011 - our world was forever changed and it came barreling down on me the other day while sitting in my Ethics class.

Don't get me wrong, we have changed a lot about our daily life. Things that used to stress us out aren't that big of a deal. We kiss and hug our kids a lot (well, we did that before but it is worth mentioning), we stop everything in the middle of the day and go out on a lunch date - just the two of us!

Spiritually, we have made enormous strides. Our relationship with Jesus has changed so dramatically over the last year and is so much stronger today. I think in the process, I learned how to use the grace God gave me and even some of the strength that I never thought I had. James, he has always been a mellow bird, but holy crap, he was totally chill during all of this. He had THE most peace I have ever seen anyone display. And even more fascinating - he still does. I was so dang proud of him and almost overwhelmed with the presence of God in his heart.

But most importantly, we have learned to be happy. Stop and do something impulsive. Be generous. Pray without stopping. I decided to go back to school to be a nurse (because his nurses at Mayo inspired me).

In Ethics class the other night, we were discussing Utilitarian views in Ethics. The ultimate reason why people do anything is to be HAPPY, if you are a Utilitarian thinker. Trying to get his point across, the professor asked the class why they go to school...nearly everyone in the class, except for a few of us old geysers, said they were in school because their parents made them go or to get a job to make money to by stuff, like a house, car, etc...

It hit me smack in the face that the thought process in todays society is kind of sad. All of these kids felt that money, job, success can make them happy!

Us three older folks said - change in career, laid off and change in career. My major will not pay me more than I make now, but helping people will make me happy. That is what I want to do. I want to make people feel the way that the oncology nurses at Mayo made James and I feel.

Life change is awesome. Don't fear change - embrace it. I see it every day (or should I say every week) at my church. Every weekend people start new and realize that trying to give true happiness a try may just be a better alternative than what they have now. Every week, I see at least one broken person walk through the doors of my church and then leave an hour and a half later with a smile on their face.

Some succeed, some fail and try again, most struggle every day. But, in the end it is so worth it.

I celebrated my life change today with a lunch date with my husband. Every day we celebrate our life, even though it is far from perfect. A little bit of faith can get you so much happiness. If you haven't tried it, if you feel like no one or God is not listening, don't give up.....keep the faith! God's timing is always perfect and never the timing we would have wanted.

How do you celebrate your life?

Enjoy.....

Life is crazy and it flies by almost at the speed of light. I sit down and look back and it seems like yesterday I was playing school in my garage and here I am almost 40!

Not sure how the time traveled so fast and how I missed so much (or maybe I didn't?)

In this crazy world of making sure deadlines are met and children are carted off to whatever extracurricular activity they may be involved in, I want to remind you to stop and smell the roses or daisies or whatever kind of flower you are into these days. Before you know it, you will be looking back wondering what the heck happened to ALL this time I thought I had left.

Having a hubby with cancer puts your invincible status on permanent hiatus and makes you realize that life can be cut short at any moment. None of us know God's plan for our lives, we just know that we are here today. Later today is a mystery and tomorrow is not a guarantee.

I think that James and I have come to two conclusions walking this journey, as a family with a cancer patient to a family who has a cancer survivor to a family who has no freakin' clue what the future holds.

Those two things are live for the moment and be happy. Two very easy things if you let yourself go a little and hold up your hands and say "its out of our control, it's in your hands and I have faith that it will turn out the way it should."

Living for the moment is probably harder in today's society. We have so much pressure to have our kids involved in things, meet deadlines at work, put our jobs as a priority to our families, put off tomorrow what clearly could be done today.

7 years ago, we lived in the moment and moved to Minnesota. That wasn't easy - our entire family base and all of our life long friends reside in Illinois or a close proximity. We knew two people in Minnesota when we moved here. By no means was that an easy decision or an easy transition. But we did it. We slowly crept back into the life style of worrying about the future...money for the future... etc.

Let me tell you there is more to life than money, there is more to life than making sure your child excels at every sport or musical interest. In the end, none of that matters. So today, we do what we want and pick up and go places when we want. Spend lots of time with our kids and have an amazing friend (family) base in MN. So when the day comes when James and I aren't here, our kids will have some great memories and will hopefully tell people that their parents did the best they could.

Being happy is a choice. You just don't wake up everyday happy. You have to decide that you will be happy and go with it. My husband has taught me a lot about this over the past several months. Regardless of what he was going through, he was always happy, full of life. He could care less what others think of him and ignores them that blatantly demean him. He doesn't care. He knows he is loved by Jesus, he knows the kids and I adore him so he needs nothing else and lets all the other crap go by without hesitation.

That is something I admire and I aspire to be like. I recently let go of some of the things that were holding me back, making me crazy and decided to live with grace and acceptance that some things and some people will not change regardless of the circumstances. I am choosing to be happy despite anything that may go on around me.

It may seem strange, but I am thankful for the journey our family has taken over the past 13 months. We are stronger, happier and a heck of lot wiser because of experiences and some really tough lessons learned.

So stop......breathe.....enjoy your life and stop stressing over the things you have no control over!

New Year....New Beginning

So 2012 has brought some change to the ever changing world of The Richter Familia ~ all for the better (one can pray)

The Holiday season came and went so quickly. My parents were here for Christmas, which was awesome. My children were ridiculously spoiled....(will try to change that next year) and we took some pictures, because to be quite honest, we were so excited that James was home this year, we didn't want to miss a second of watching the kids due to trying to keep a video camera somewhat steady.

I think the most dramatic change in the family is that I, almost 40 year old Tara, decided to go back to school. Luckily many of my credits from Harvard on the Highway (Waubonsee) transferred to my new school, so I have very few "gen ed" classes I need before I can apply for...........................................

Nursing School. Yep, that's right...nursing school! Who'd a thunk? right?

So now, I work full time, go to school three nights a week, try to be a semi-decent mother and amazing wife, lead a volunteer group at church, and chair the PTO at Carlie's school and sleep and relax in between! Some may say I'm nuts.....but I am determined!

Why Nursing? What a fabulous question!

I have slowly become weary of my current occupation, which I have had since I was about 19. 20 years of listening to people cry and complain and paint you as a villain gets old. While my current job, pays our bills, keeps food on the table and allows my kids to participate in activities, it no longer fulfills me. I have talked about nursing for a while and only a few things would deter that ambition and make me change course. Those few things I can not elaborate on at this time.

Any who.....when James was in Mayo last March, the nurses there inspired me. No matter what floor we were on or what unit he resided in, the nurses were all the same..........caring, compassionate, put his needs first, friendly and unequivocally the most professional nurses I have ever been around in a hospital setting.

Perhaps I was of a different mind set at the time, perhaps it was the atmosphere in which they work, but I decided at that moment, this is what I wanted to do when I grow up. Because, heck, as I approach 40, I am still a kid, right?

So I applied for financial aid, registered and now I go three nights a week.

So with this has brought change.....

*preparing meals on Sunday to get us through the week, which has helped financially because we are not eating out or running to the store for something every night.

*my kiddies are having some good old quality daddy time (which never hurts).

*my schedule is a bit more hectic that normal, but as long as I have my calendar on my handy smartphone, I should be ok.

*I have cut out soda from my diet, as well as fake sugars....Gotta get in shape if I am going to stand for 12 hour shifts!! We are trying to live and eat healthier! So far, so good!

Its been fun. It should be exciting and I was pleasantly surprised that I was not the oldest in any of my classes and hopefully in a couple years, I will have an RN after my name.

God has continued to bless us! It has been an amazing ride.

P.S. James is doing fabulously!! Thank you for your prayers for him!!!

Happy Death Day! (almost)

One year ago, on December 20th, I drove to the hospital because James thought his appendix had ruptured. He was working, walking around with new hires, and doubled over in pain.

The night before, he had some lower abdominal pain but we shrugged it off as eating too much for dinner.

While at the hospital, we simply thought he would need to have his appendix removed and we would be home in time for Christmas! However, as soon as the doctor walked in, after his CT scan and said..."have you been feeling ok, lately?" - we knew there was something else.

After a list of questions, he referred us immediately to another hospital for more testing. He couldn't explain how James could have stomach cancer and no symptoms.

So...numb....we drove through the snow to Minneapolis without saying much. We tried to console each other with "it will be ok" and "i love you", but deep down, we both felt that James was dying, never coming home. Any faith that I may have had, disappeared.

In an instant, I transformed into a patient advocate and tried to be a comforting wife. I failed miserably at trying to protect me kids, I failed miserably on certain days to be strong for James.

After 4 days of no food or water, obvious deterioration and countless negative testing, James was wheeled into surgery. Several hours later, nearly 1am on Christmas Eve day, he was in recovery and I was told NOTHING. They couldn't tell me one way or the other what the heck was wrong with him other than they removed his RT colon and something that used to resemble an appendix.

5 days later, James came home with a diagnosis of mucinous adenocarcinoma, a very rare form of appendix cancer, which is very slow growing and affected only 500 people per year. The mucin pockets had likely been growing for several years without any knowledge to him as there are no symptoms.

However, so much good has come from James' near death day - as we call it. I know it is morbid, but we (or I) really felt on that one day, he was never coming home.

So...here are the good things..

1) There were two on call surgeons --- the first had never seen anything like this. The second surgeon....he had. The days following the surgery, he tried to prepare us for the inevitable diagnosis of cancer. But we chose to believe that he was wrong as they all had been wrong for 9 days. Ultimately, he was correct. However, the miracle was not in the doctor himself, but who he used to be a resident under. Yes, he was a resident under one of the two surgeons in Minnesota who have treated this type of cancer. And yes, he had seen it before. Within days, he was on the phone with the ONE physician who he felt would be aggressive with James' treatment and keep him alive longer --- Dr. John Donahue at the Mayo Clinic.

2) By the time, James and I received his actual diagnosis, we were at peace with whatever the diagnosis was. 9 days of uncertainty will do that for a person. That was nothing but the result of people's prayers and God's continued objective to prove His existence.

3) My husband was baptized within 6 weeks of his first surgery --- barely able to get up from a sitting position, he was dunked in a small pool at our church.

4) He went into his second and most extensive surgery - positive, faithful and full of life. He came out of the 10 hour surgery well, recovered well and was back to himself 8 weeks later.

5) Our family has matured. Our family, faith, and view on life has changed dramatically.

6) Here we are - nearly one year later.........James is cancer free. We believe that he will stay that way and will prove the brilliant minds of his physicians wrong and will NOT be the norm!

So, a year later...., a year after we thought our future was gone, we celebrate life. We embrace change and movement forward. We are, in a strange way, thankful for the journey we were forced to take or we would not be in the absolute happy place we are today.

In addition, we thank YOU for your prayers. We thank you for your support, for your love, for your compassion, for the meals you prepared and the time you took our kids or shoveled our driveway. We would not be where we are today, without you all!

Saints and Sinners

We all have skeletons in our closet...something we have hidden deep in the depths of our brain and/or heart or ones that have come to the forefront and we have had to deal with.

There is no one in this dark, sinful world how is perfect. I only know of ONE perfect being and it sure as heck is not me! You all have heard me talk about my church. I love it. Despite its imperfections, despite what our community may think of it...None of that matters.

Our church is unconventional. It plays loud music and has people standing outside smoking and others who have more tattoos and piercings than you have likely seen in one place before. There are Harley driving, leather wearing men and women who come every Sunday to hear what Jesus has to say.

Last night, I was serving and had the extreme pleasure of watching someone struggle to walk through the door. He was so nervous, this normal black coffee drinker, was putting every type of flavor, cream and sugar in his coffee as his hands were shaking. He had been to a different church before, but had fallen away from Jesus.

He went to service and after - several of us were able to hear his story and pray for him. He is a man with a lot of crap going on. He was 24 hours sober. He was struggling with marriage issues and to top it off, he is facing some prison time - for what? It doesn't really matter.

At our church....none of this mattered. We loved him, hugged him, prayed for him. No one stared at him, no one judged him for his sins, imperfections, for his appearance.....He just came, listened and hopefully got a little life change.

This is one of the main reasons I LOVE MY CHURCH! You can be whatever you are and not worry about the consequences of it. You can be headed down a really dark path and still find people who will love on you like you are an old friend.

So those who believe our church is weird, out of the ordinary, crazy and over the top....you are likely right. But over the course of the past two years, I have seen hundreds of lives changed for the better.

Jesus is the answer.....Seek and ye shall find...

WOOT!!

This is what HAPPINESS looks like! Look hard, because it does not get any better than this! After 9 months of uncertainty, hospitals, doctor appointment, worry and prayer....this is what it looks like when you hold on to your faith, think the best and get some awesome news!

Can I tell you a secret?

This picture.....it was taken the night BEFORE, we received the awesome news that James is currently cancer free.

Yep, the night before! Not the night after....the night before. We acted silly, went to dinner, had dessert, walked outside in the beautiful fall air, celebrated life....no matter what his results.

Yes, after 2 surgeries, 4 days of toxin being pumped into his gut, 27 total days in the hospital, 9 months of praying, believing and living life as normally as possible....we heard the words....you are cancer free.

There was a but....we still expect this to return just because of the nature of the cancer, but for now you are pretty darn perfect! See you in ONE year....not 6 months...a Full 12 months, a full 365 days. Today and every day, we celebrate James' life, our life and live it completely!!

I can't begin to tell you how amazing it is. However, we aren't stopping now...we are still praying, still believing that James is the exception to this stupid disease and not the norm!

There was nothing as exciting as coming home to our kids asking how James' appointment was and to be able to tell them...especially Carlie, that it was AWESOME!!! AAHHH!!! one year she doesn't have to think her dad has cancer! AH-MA-ZING!

Here are our kiddos ---

Eating ice cream -- Luke is enjoying sorbet!


Then....fishin' with dad!!! They love that and so does he!

So..........live life to the fullest!!!! Don't take a day for granted! Have fun, be silly, love deeply, chase your dreams...Don't be 50 years old and wonder what the heck happened to your life!

The Places We will Go

It is funny how the places and things you dreamt of as a child very rarely become a reality. I have been super quiet on the blogosphere as I have felt uninspired...Nothing has reached out and grabbed me and said..."you must share!"

This summer has gone quickly. Carlie spent a large portion of the summer with my mom and dad and then came home to a surprise of a new dog, some YMCA camps, basketball camp and now we are on the final countdown to school. Honestly, just having laid back Luke in the house did not cause a lot of drama or excitement. That, of course, all picked up when the lively 8 year old returned to the nest.

The last few days/weeks, I have been praying for so many people who are having issues in their life, whether it is marital, a death of a loved one, family members involved in a Hurricane, an illness. There seems to be a lot of crap going around these days.

Maybe it is because I am getting older....my loved ones are too, which means illness or disease is likely. Maybe global warming has something to do with the natural disasters or perhaps it is the prophecy we have read in the Bible. However, I am having a difficult time getting a hold of and wrapping my arms around all the illness that is all of a sudden surrounding me. It is sad.

I never, in a million years, would have thought anyone I loved or cared for would have cancer or an illness that can't be diagnosed, or sudden onset of MS. It always happens to someone else. I remember feeling invinsible at 18! Boy, did that end quickly.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to share is I never thought I would be in a place where I lived life in 6 month increments. A very wise, Godly woman, whom I have never met, was diagnosed with breast cancer recently and had surgery. While her daughter shared updates, she was in awe of the fact that her mother has never said anything other than she will use this disease for God's glory. How incredibly faithful is she? I mean, really, some feel sorry for themselves. Others feel angry and betrayed by God. but not her....she is using it to HIS glory.

Over the last few months, our life has been normal. We have lived everyday appreciating our family and the multiple blessings in our life. We have not been consumed with James' potential illness, we have focused on him healing from his surgery and resuming a normal life. He has maintained stellar strength during all of this, never feeling sorry for himself or angry that he was the one chosen to walk this journey.

Yet, here I sit....less than 30 days before his 6 month post op CT scan and I am consumed with fear and anxiety. Even though, his surgeon told us that this CT scan would be a baseline and would likely still show scar tissue from the surgery and the annual CT scan would reveal more, I am sick to my stomach thinking what if it is not gone? What if it has mutated to something more aggressive? What if it is somewhere else? What if I lose my husband, my kids lose their dad?

Ugh....I have said it before. What if's are a big old waste of time! What if's are ridiculous, yet I can't seem to shake them. Jesus said, do not worry about tomorrow as today has enough trouble of its own. I know this. Yet I have a hard time living it! It is frustrating. It is ridiculous. It is quite pathetic.

So, here is my request..........as I have requested many times over the last 9 months. Please pray for my husband! Please pray that his CT scan is crystal clear and that Jesus performs a miracle and this cancer does not return in any form. Please pray for his continued strength and determination and for the wisdom of his physicians. His appointment is September 29th, so if you read this... please lift him up on prayer! We (I) so appreciate it!